Condom care: tips for gripping without ripping or slipping

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condoms-fail

Boys grow up believing condoms are akin to bulletproof superhero cloaks that make our dicks invincible, which is why it came as quite a shock to me when my condom broke the first time I had sex, then slipped off completely on another try. The reason for the breakage was not my enormous penis, but the fact that I had carried the condom in my wallet for several months even though I thought this made me proactive and cool. The fact is that condoms slip off or break at least 2-6% of the time. While the majority of these cases are chalked up to human error, or inexperience, very few people have ever been taught proper condom maintenance. And even though condoms aren't perfect, they are the most effective means we have for preventing pregnancy and reducing the spread of STIs—-even locked chastity belts can be compromised by a motivated locksmith. Assuming you don't want to knock up the successful woman you're banging, or bring an STI home to your wife as a souvenir from Vegas, proper condom use is a gentleman's skill, like learning how to shave. With that said, here are some tips for avoiding human error when it comes to condom use.

-Note the expiration date. If tortilla chips pass their expiration date, they may taste a little stale. If condoms out live their expiration date, they may get your lover a little prego.

-Never carry a condom in your wallet. Just imagine how much of your day is spent squirming in your seat, rubbing and wearing out the condom smashed in your back pocket. When you go anywhere that carries the slightest potential for sex, stash a roll in your front pocket or some other pouch that doesn't put stress on the packaging, like your handcrafted hemp condom tote bag.


-Don't stash your condoms in a hot or cold place, like your glove compartment, a box in the garage, or an unheated apartment during the winter.

-Although she may love to work your wrapped manhood with her hands, be mindful of her long fingernails and jewelry, which can easily snag and rip the latex.

-Inspect the condom wrapper for any punctures by making sure the wrapper still has a pocket of air trapped inside.

-Gently open the package with your fingers. Don't use a knife or key to rip open an unruly wrapper. Be patient. A condom is only as effective as it's wrapper.

-Check the condom for any obvious tears.

-Don't play "Just the tip," without your game colors on. Strap up before you hit the field, and before your player has any physical contact.

-Make sure to roll the condom on correctly. Use your fingers to test which way the condom should roll, then strap it on so the condom unrolls easily on the outside of the shaft.

-While rolling the condom on, pinch the tip of the reservoir to leave some room at the end to catch your ejaculate. Jamming your dick into the very end increases the chances of it tearing. Get rid of a pocket of air in the reservoir by pinching the tip and working the air bubble out.

-Switch out condoms regularly. You especially want to switch condoms when you change orifices, such as moving from anal to vaginal sex. You also may want to switch out uniforms if you're having marathon sex. Like your sex organs, there's only so much pounding a condom can take before tearing.

-Stop thrusting as soon as you climax. Grip the base of the condom and slowly withdraw. Slide the condom off away from the vagina, tie a knot in it, and chunk it in the trash. If you're having sex at your place with multiple people on different days, you may be inclined to flush the condom to remove the evidence, but this comes with the risk of clogging your pipes.

-If you're the type of guy who can maintain an erection, and continue fucking after climax, just make sure to remove the used condoms, clean up and dry off, then strap on a fresh rubber. The semen can leak out if you continue thrusting, and the added lubrication increases the chances of slippage.

-Never reuse a condom. This should be obvious, but I'm sure there's some poor bastard who has tried washing out a condom, hanging it up to dry, and using it again.

-Bring a value pack. There's a reason gas station condoms come in threes. Going to a sex fest with only one condom is like arriving at a BYOB party with only one beer. You need back up in case one breaks or you have sex multiple times. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're stuck in the heat of the moment without anymore condoms. In these situations, your dick will make the reckless decision every time.

-Shine your rubber suit with a water-based lubricant. Lube reduces friction, which in turn reduces the chances of the latex catching on skin, stretching, and breaking. Make sure to only use water-based lubricants (KY jelly, Astroglide...) or silicone-based lubricants intended for male condom use. Any oil or petroleum products like Vaseline compromise the condom's integrity.

-Don't grease up your dick before suiting up. This also means that if she performs unprotected oral sex on you as foreplay, you should tamp yourself dry with the bed sheets before strapping on a rubber. A drop of lube at the tip of the penis is okay. Your pre-cum will also add a bit of lubrication to the condom's interior. But, the slicker the inside of the condom, the more likely it will slip off.

-Despite what your dad told you, never double bag. Using two condoms at once increases friction between the two latex surfaces, which enhances the chances of both tearing. Similarly, don't use a female and a male condom at the same time.

-Periodically touch the base of the condom to make sure it's still properly strapped on. Also, grip the base and withdraw every so often when changing positions and check to make sure the condom is still in good condition.

-For added protection against accidental impregnation, grip the base of the condom and pull out before you climax. Some studies have shown that the pull-out method, when performed properly, is a useful form of birth control. The problem is that most men don't have the control to pull out on time. Combining this method with condom use provides a double check against unplanned pregnancy.

-Get a condom that fits. Unfortunately when it comes to condom sizes, sellers have a one-size fits all policy. Sure, there are extra large condoms for those few lucky bastards who need them, but there are no tighter fitting condoms available at your average drug store. If you find that condoms continually slip off, or they are too loose, don't be intimidated to buy tighter fitting condoms online.  Not all women have large breasts so why should it be weird that some men don't have huge dicks. In one study that polled 436 men, 45% claimed they used condoms that were too large in the past three months. These men were 50% more likely to report condom breaks, slips, difficulty reaching climax, and condom removal halfway through coitus. There are a variety of snugger fitting condoms, you just have to do some research. Check out this list I compiled on a previous blog.

-Choose your partners wisely. No matter how careful you are, condoms break, which means that you can quickly be tied to your sex partner for the rest of your life. I'm not saying you should be afraid of sex. It's an important and essential part of life. However, if you're the type of person who is terrified by the possibility of an STI or a child, be more selective when it comes to choosing your sex partner. This is much easier said than done but still possible. When getting to know a woman, subtly find out her stance on abortion or if she's on birth control. If nothing else, this will give you added peace of mind later so you don't wake up to the nightmare of discovering that the sexual freak you bedded is also a religious freak.

-If the condom breaks or slips, don't hesitate to resort to plan B. Plan B, or some other variation can be purchased over the counter at most drug stores for $40-50. The sooner she takes the pill, the better it works. Be smooth about this. Take her out for breakfast, then stop by the drug store. Even if she is super religious, if you don't act like plan B is a big deal, which it isn't, then she won't start questioning the moral validity of taking it.

-Practice does make perfect. Condoms seem simple to use, and I'm sure ever guy rolled his eyes in health class when the teacher demonstrated how to strap a condom onto a banana. However, there are some subtle things you learn through the practice of using a condom that vastly reduces the chances of the condom breaking or slipping. Even if you haven't had sex yet, work those free condoms you got in health class into your masturbation routine. Blow them up and use them as party balloons. Condoms are your best friends, so you should spend time getting to know them.


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