by Shawn Alff
My shuttle service didn't offer the classiest ride, but it was full service. As I chauffeured Robin over the bay bridge toward pleasure town, I positioned the buzzing Pyxis on the inseam of her denim crotch-armor. The finger massager looks like one of those toy rings that claims to give you x-ray vision. This is fitting as under the Pyxis's influence, Robin quickly slid her pants to her ankles. Originally I brought the vibrator along for the ride to keep Robin from pouncing on me in the car after our sexless week apart. The opposite happened. She began licking my face, toying with my stick shift, and begging me to pull over on the freeway so we could use the Explorer's cargo bed for its intended purpose.
I ushered Robin through two orgasms by the time I pulled up to her house. Like the Pyxis, she was far from ready to quit. Usually I'm a bit skittish about gifting women ring-shaped objects. While the Pyxis didn't symbolize a lifelong commitment, it did signify that we were taking our relationship to the next level—a level filled with electrified finger-blasting in semi-public places.
After the initial test drive, I continued to carry the toy with me when I hungout with Robin. I’d slip it into position when we made-out or watched TV. The Pyxis did more to get me laid than agreeing to watch hours of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth galavanting around on screen, brandishing his thunder stick.
While I'm renowned for my hand jobs, the Pyxis electrified my foreplay game. It also proved handy during sex, particularly when providing Robin with a complimentary reach-around. In fact, the Pyxis was so useful I began to overestimate its powers. Once I tried to use the vibrator to cure Robin's hangover, which it did, though briefly. A few times I surprised Robin with the toy while helping out at her place of business. At first she resisted, claiming she had to work, but I too had a job to do; I needed to test the toy under a variety of conditions. More often than not her objections faded beneath the hum of the vibrator and the unprintably dirty talk that erupted from her mouth. Just as the ring transformed me into a sexual cyborg, the current shot through Robin, turning her into a decidedly more naked and foulmouthed version of herself.
The Pyxis comes with five pulse patterns, all of which I would trade for a single constant setting and the ability to control the vibrator's intensity. Also, the all-purpose button occasionally causes the pulse patterns to shuffle during sex, resulting in the toy being jettisoned or the action being halted while the vibrator is reset. This universal button also caused the ring to turn on spontaneously in my pocket a few times, which would have made for a few awkward moments if vibrating cellphones weren't so common.
After incorporating the Pyxis into our sexcapades for a week, the buzzer gave out. Robin feared her sex drive had overpowered the vibrator. It had not. The toy had simply ran out of juice. She bemoaned the prospect of picking up fresh batteries, but there was no need. The toy came with a magnetic charger that plugs into a USB port.
The Pyxis is ideal for orgasms on the go. The toy's seamless, waterproof design makes it easy to clean and allows the toy to follow you into the shower, hot tub, or pool. However, this isn't to say the toy is suited for every situation. Despite the marketing claim that the motor is “whisper quiet,” it emanates a slight buzzing noise. At times it sounded like I was landscaping Robin's front yard with a mini weed whacker or practicing takeoffs on her invisible landing strip with a toy prop plane. This sound wasn't a big deal, but it did stop me from testing the toy in a movie theater.
Now, if only Jopen would invent finger massagers that could double as wedding rings. Perhaps then men wouldn't be so averse to the sexless stigma that comes with wearing such relationship ornaments.