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Dissed & dismissed

With the fall fashion season upon us, here are some trends we wish were gone already.

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Trends come and go, but many stick around too long (or shouldn’t have come in the first place), leaving the masses looking far from stylish. While this entire column is devoted to looks I would like to see disappear, there is one fashion agenda, above all, that I am absolutely militant about: NO SHORTS FOR THE GENTLEMEN ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.
Stop your whining! I’ve heard it all before: “But it’s hot.” “But this is Florida.” “It’s a resort lifestyle.” Fine. Wear shorts the other six nights of the week, every week, if you must, but step it up if you’re stepping out on Saturday night.
Nobody wants to see you show up in shorts at Bern’s or Bella Brava. This epidemic is so widespread that it has reduced many a potentially fine dining experience to a frat house party. Where’s the allure of sipping signature cocktails whilst wearing something you might mow the lawn in? Tuck in those legs with a pair of linen slacks or lightweight denim. Dress the part of a man on a date (even if you’re still looking for one).
Other things that should ride off into the sunset never to be seen again:

Rock the boat: Row, row, row your boat shoes quickly out of sight. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily go get some loafers instead. Boat shoes are ugly. And as if it’s not bad enough seeing men wearing them everywhere on dry land, now there’s a wave of women’s boat shoes flooding the market. Why, oh why? Make it stop. Granted, they were born out of practicality and were originally worn by sailors, but unlike the pea coat, boat shoes do not translate fashionably.

Color me bored: Blah, blah, blah, horizontal stripes. I truly believe my aversion to them lies in their popularity. C’mon, give some other stripes a chance. Vertical are my preference (naturally) but there’s also something exciting about a diagonal display.

Doom & gloom: Wherever did people get the idea that tan and grey work well together? Drab to the bone, this particular pairing is downright depressing. Grey, in all its variations, is a powerful shade. Wear it monochromatically for a sleek appearance. Tan is classic. I take mine in the gold family and pair it with black, but color-blocked with a neon hue is statement-making, too.

Stabbed in the back: Tie-back bikini tops are cruel and unfortunately usual. On vacation? Day at the beach? No, no! Don’t sit back! You’ll get a bruise! Knot relaxing. Luckily the hook closure is on the rise again, but you really have to look for them.

Weight of your world: Heavy handbags are horrible, and many start heavy even when empty, thanks in part to tons of hardware — fabulous to look at but miserable to carry. Then come the rounded, rather than flat, handles perfect for digging into your shoulder or the crook of your elbow. Sprinkle in just about everything you own (because that’s how we tend to roll) and head straight for a date with your chiropractor. Ouch!

That old chestnut: The “I didn’t bother to look at myself in the mirror before leaving the house” look. Yeah. Stop doing that. This applies to everyone wearing Crocs or slovenly clothing that doesn’t fit them properly.

Making a scene: Act naturally but don’t under-dress for the theater. Apply a dash of the sensibility that landed you there in the first place, or you and your tank top and sneakers will be subject to gawking.

On the bright side: So far, it’s tough to say anything negative about what lies ahead for fashion this fall. Look forward to shocking color-blocking, pattern repeats, pops of punk, and lots of lace.

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